It used to be that vegans were mostly harmless. Kind of like a slightly batty elderly aunt with hoarding issues and a lot of cats. Not anymore. The vibe vegans give off today is a lot less “Brady Bunch” and way more “Children of the Corn”. They’ve gone all militant on us, like Taliban armed with a Chop-O-Matic. No more Aunt Martha cheerfully preparing vegetable stew over a wood-fired stove, today Martha’s got a YouTube channel and 600,000 followers, all of them angry.
To be fair, vegans do get some things right. For instance, cows fart and belch. A lot. You’ll never have to worry about cauliflowers punching a hole in the ozone layer. So vegans have come up with an elegant solution. Too much cow gas? Eat more rib eyes. As the cow population declines, you’re going to have a rib eye shortage, so you switch to pork chops, and the vegan endgame becomes clear. Less meat, fewer meat eaters. Vegans are fiendishly clever.
Vegans are like that. They will hound you to try their dishes, “I know it looks like a large pile of bear scat”, they say,“ but I swear, it tastes like bacon”. It's like they have no dignity. Now I'm OK with no dignity, I ditched mine years ago when somebody told me “Sir, you can't do that in public” and I found out that with enough bail money, you can do anything in public.
Now I'm not trying to pile on vegans, but they also like posting pictures of weird food on their social media.
The other day I ran across a post some vegan had put up that was all about rutabagas. Rutabagas look like what I imagine a potato would look like two days after a zombie bit it. And the kind of meal you use rutabaga in is the meal you prepare at the tail end of a post-apocalyptic nuclear winter, you're running out of food, and eating other vegans is beginning to look like a real option.
If I was willing to admit it, if things had turned out differently, I might have ended up vegan. Of course, I didn't discover LSD until well after I'd had my first rib eye, and by then it was too late. Not that it takes prolonged drug use to turn vegan, but it can’t hurt.
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