Want to know how to tell if a vegan is lying? Every fib includes the words “just like”.
It tastes just like bacon, they say. Listen, if you eat the right kind of mushroom, an hour later your shoe will taste like bacon. You know what tastes just like bacon? Bacon.
It looks just like a hamburger. Sure it does, from 10 yards. Up close it looks like Silly Putty with grill lines drawn on it with a My Little Pony magic marker set.
But when you're chewing it the texture feels just like steak in your mouth. Now it helps if you just brushed your teeth with lidocaine. Do that and jello chews just like steak.
And don't get me started on vegan recipes, I can get started without any help from you. Have you ever looked at the ingredients list on a near meat item at the grocery store? In any other food group, those ingredients would be considered a biohazard. In fact, the sheer variety of stuff you gotta put on mushed up plants so that they taste like slightly porky styrofoam is beyond belief
.Then finally you've got trendy little restaurants that appeal to nerds and accountants, serving dishes like vegan pork belly. Imagine combining Italian bread crusts and bean paste in such a way that you end up with a substance that could be described as pork bellies to someone so long as they were three quarts of vodka into a meth-fueled trip down the rabbit hole.
But that's just me. I'm not against vegetables, just don't serve me a slab of roasted cauliflower and call it a medium-rare rib eye.